Editor of
Features Editor at Death & Taxes Magazine, contributor to The Week, Interview, and Vice Magazine.
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Before becoming internationally known and recognized as The World’s Fattest And Saddest Actor (Guinness Book Of Records 2019 Edition; page 219 for ‘Sad’ and page 48 for ‘Fat’, respectivley), Ned Hepburn was once a criminally underpaid freelance writer writing for various outlets such as Vice Magazine (one article), Guest Of A Guest Los Angeles, and the Trader Joes ‘Shit You’ll Probably Buy’ pamplet. On March 23rd, 2010, he was accidentally locked in an experimental Trader Joes / Pharmacy hybrid for 11 straight days. During this time, he was lodged between the Pharmacy and the Organic Marshmallows aisle and was forced to eat his way out - in doing so imbibing several hundred pounds of anti-depression medication and Organic Marshmallows.
Since the accident, he has become a Hollywood power player if only for his sheer size and willingness to do literally anything for money due to his crippling and entirely self absorbed meta-depression. He famously played ‘The Iceberg’ in James Cameron’s Titanic 2: Son Of Titanic; ‘Gettysburg’ in the civil war drama The Battle Of Gettysburg (2018), and his left thigh will be used to build a lifesize replica of Versailles in Sofia Coppolla’s Fucking Boring For Ninety Minutes And Then You See Some Bush For, Like, Three Seconds (2020).
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After achieving popularity as a child star in the seminal movie musical Newsies (1992), actor Christian Bale spent much of the 1990’s in a highly secretive relationship with children’s television star Kermit The Frog. It is believed that Bale’s performance as Patrick Bateman in the critically acclaimed drama American Psycho (1999) was based almost entirely on that of Mister Frog.
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Young Drew Barrymore was actually child sized dwarf actress Valerie “Ruh-Ruh” Reynolds, who died of complications between mixing large amounts of cocaine and her stuttering medication in 1990. Due to the publics infatuation and apparent disbelief over news of her death, a second Drew Barrymore was rotated in.
In total, there have been seven Drew Barrymore’s.
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Despite considerable odds early in her career, a young Kirsten Dunst was able to find acting work - starting with her breakout performance as the lead Mogwai in the movie “Gremlins 2: The New Batch”.
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Before Jim Carrey exploded onto the national consciousness, it is reported that he spent many years sleeping in his car while he tried to make ends meet as a struggling stand up comedian. This car was later used in his movie ‘Dumb & Dumber’.
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Before becoming an actor, Edward Norton worked briefly as Haley Joel Osment.
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One of teen phenomenon Miley Cyrus’s first jobs was that of a possum just several years before becoming the internationally known star she is today.
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Before landing the role of a lifetime as Captain Kirk, actor Chris Pine was the guy at your high school who was totally into Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Operation Ivy and wore a fucking kilt to prom.
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In her hometown of Atlanta, Georgia, Julia Roberts is still best known for her pre-stardom performances in the parking lot of a local Piggly Wiggly convenience store in which she unhinged her jaw and swallowed an entire ostrich egg whole for a dollar.
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Before becoming a television and movie star, even fewer people cared about Zack Braff.
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For years before his big break into movies, Nicolas Cage worked as this stock photo of a cat sneezing.
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Before making it rich as a pop star, Lady Gaga portrayed “Cleo” on the popular animated cartoon Heathcliff.
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One of Brian Dennehy’s first jobs before becoming famous was the role of “Young Unfamous Brian Dennehy”, which he played for 30 years before becoming the famous character actor Brian Dennehy.
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Jodie Foster was a professional knuckle model for several years during a lull in her career in the mid 1980’s.
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