Before becoming internationally known and recognized as The World’s Fattest And Saddest Actor (Guinness Book Of Records 2019 Edition; page 219 for ‘Sad’ and page 48 for ‘Fat’, respectivley), Ned Hepburn was once a criminally underpaid freelance writer writing for various outlets such as Vice Magazine (one article), Guest Of A Guest Los Angeles, and the Trader Joes ‘Shit You’ll Probably Buy’ pamplet. On March 23rd, 2010, he was accidentally locked in an experimental Trader Joes / Pharmacy hybrid for 11 straight days. During this time, he was lodged between the Pharmacy and the Organic Marshmallows aisle and was forced to eat his way out - in doing so imbibing several hundred pounds of anti-depression medication and Organic Marshmallows.
Since the accident, he has become a Hollywood power player if only for his sheer size and willingness to do literally anything for money due to his crippling and entirely self absorbed meta-depression. He famously played ‘The Iceberg’ in James Cameron’s Titanic 2: Son Of Titanic; ‘Gettysburg’ in the civil war drama The Battle Of Gettysburg (2018), and his left thigh will be used to build a lifesize replica of Versailles in Sofia Coppolla’s Fucking Boring For Ninety Minutes And Then You See Some Bush For, Like, Three Seconds (2020).