Ned Hepburn

High-res There’s a store on Sunset Blvd that advertizes in foot tall writing “Rocker Moms, Not Soccer Moms!”. Now look: If I ever have children and dress them like a “rocker” you have full range to put two bullets in my head.  Has anyone ever thought of the repercussions of introducing their children to punk music too early? I’m going to be the most boring parent imaginable just so my children can get into punk rock ON THEIR FUCKING OWN. Preferably in a dark room. I might even leave a joint in their box on Lincoln Logs.  But really. What the fuck is this? Children are inherently going to hate whatever their parents thought was cool, so what happens when you nix punk music? What is going to happen to all those hipster babies? What happens when they rebel twenty or so years from now? What will they rebel into? Philip Glass scores? World music? Tabla? Bagpipe? The mind shudders and reels. The whole continuity of punk is going back and to the left, JFK style. And that’s not a good thing.  On the other hand, all the babies that were made with the half-mast soft cocks of Cap Wearing Brohemians will be totally fine, because their Dad’s will play Coldplay or The Fray or some heinous shit like that, and they’ll grow to hate it. And they’ll get into the beautiful angry energy of rebellious music. And the cycle will continue.  Stop dressing your babies like Assistant Managers at Urban Outfitters. It’s not cool. Let’s just start talking to them like grown ups. Next time I see a fucking toddler in a Rush reproduction concert tee I’m going to bum cigarettes off of him and get it drunk on cheap flask whiskey. 

There’s a store on Sunset Blvd that advertizes in foot tall writing “Rocker Moms, Not Soccer Moms!”. Now look: If I ever have children and dress them like a “rocker” you have full range to put two bullets in my head. 

Has anyone ever thought of the repercussions of introducing their children to punk music too early? I’m going to be the most boring parent imaginable just so my children can get into punk rock ON THEIR FUCKING OWN. Preferably in a dark room. I might even leave a joint in their box on Lincoln Logs. 

But really. What the fuck is this? Children are inherently going to hate whatever their parents thought was cool, so what happens when you nix punk music? What is going to happen to all those hipster babies? What happens when they rebel twenty or so years from now? What will they rebel into? Philip Glass scores? World music? Tabla? Bagpipe? The mind shudders and reels. The whole continuity of punk is going back and to the left, JFK style. And that’s not a good thing. 

On the other hand, all the babies that were made with the half-mast soft cocks of Cap Wearing Brohemians will be totally fine, because their Dad’s will play Coldplay or The Fray or some heinous shit like that, and they’ll grow to hate it. And they’ll get into the beautiful angry energy of rebellious music. And the cycle will continue. 

Stop dressing your babies like Assistant Managers at Urban Outfitters. It’s not cool. Let’s just start talking to them like grown ups. Next time I see a fucking toddler in a Rush reproduction concert tee I’m going to bum cigarettes off of him and get it drunk on cheap flask whiskey. 

Notes

  1. thelambandthefox reblogged this from nedhepburn
  2. tokenskeptic reblogged this from nedhepburn
  3. goldman reblogged this from youngmanhattanite
  4. wontstopcantstop reblogged this from nedhepburn
  5. gaffegaffe reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
    THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. Especially this: “half-mast...Brohemians” Easter really is
  6. chrisyamashiro reblogged this from nedhepburn
  7. rawsalt reblogged this from nedhepburn
  8. andrewmcclain reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
    ned hepburn ”Cap...entered my lexicon thx ned.
  9. thelovehater reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
    I’ve seen babies wearing Ramones onesies -...don’t get it -
  10. stfuchristina reblogged this from sevendinosaurs
  11. youngmanhattanite reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
    can’t recommend this post enough.