Editor of
Features Editor at Death & Taxes Magazine, contributor to The Week, Interview, and Vice Magazine.
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We must end the tyranny of cats: why the internet’s fixation with felines must be stopped
They walk around with their pooched buttholes in your face, sleeping all day, not wanting to go outside, and bugging you to provide for them. Face it: If you had a roommate like a cat, it would be out of the apartment within a week.
I’ll say it: fuck cats.
There’s a harrowing story in the news today about the outcome of the internet poll concerning the fate of the Monopoly gamepieces. Yes, folks, it appears that the good ol’ fashioned iron – the gamepiece that represented American labor and good family values – has been cleared away by a fur-lusting horde of internet denizens who mistake the manipulative feline purr for that of actual affection and love, something they have given up on in real life. Yep. You guessed it. The cat is here to stay in the Monopoly game boards.
It’s no small wonder why the internet loves cats so much – people who use the internet are inherently lonely and emotionally undersupported, much like cat owners themselves. Rather than bond with a real, living human, many users of the internet have chosen to infantilze these feline creatures into a babylike state. Unable to find a connection with a member of their own species, the average internet-cat user would rather coo “Ooooo” “Yes you are” and “Wook addat widdew fayyyce” to these domesticated killing machines who leech off of humans. Stop living off of handouts, cats. Get a job. This is America and we work for our piece of the pie, goddamit.
Ryu Spaeth (shown here) of The Week magazine deftly put the Monopoly catroversey in its place, saying:
Come on, internet! A cat? As if we weren’t inundated with enough cats already? What’s next? Replacing the thimble with a tiny, alloyed Justin Bieber? This is the crowdsourcing version of a company market-testing a name for a professional sports team. You end up with the generic (the Heat, the Thunder) instead of the peculiar and unique (the Knicks, the Red Sox).
It’s also very well documented that cat poop makes you insane. Yes. Really. Look it up, owning a cat changes your personality and lowers your IQ. Cats are scientifically controlling us and dumbing us down and this is why this feline fixation needs to stop.
So next time you’re thinking about putting a picture of a furry friend on your blog, remember: they’d kill you if they could. Don’t let them win this battle over our planet. They might seem innocent now, but when your grandkids have an IQ of 65 between them and live to clean the litterbox, it will be too late.
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zalivreka reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
I do not endorse this. These are the words of the enemy.
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johnnyvagabond reblogged this from nedhepburn
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babies666 said:
maybe you hate cats cause you hate yourself. sorry for being catty.
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herohustle reblogged this from nedhepburn
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emilyerock said:
God, THANK YOU for this
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pokemontrainermax reblogged this from nedhepburn
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capricious said:
i hate cats AND i am allergic to them. however, lolcats can stay forever because some of them are hilarious.
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iamabadcitizen reblogged this from nedhepburn
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dontstaylong said:
we will have words, hepburn.
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mdtalarico reblogged this from nedhepburn
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thepiratecosmonaut reblogged this from nedhepburn and added:
They’d kill you if they could.
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chasingcoolness said:
OH SHIT, THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE, HOMIE!!!!!!!
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nedhepburn posted this
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