Editor of
Features Editor at Death & Taxes Magazine, contributor to The Week, Interview, and Vice Magazine.
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The VICE Guide to Partying
Party hosting isn’t something one can just dive into headlong and willy-nilly. You don’t throw a baby into the deep end of an Olympic pool with five-pound weights tied to its tiny legs (unless you want it to die), do you? As a partymeister, you have to be ready for any eventuality, such as running out of mixers or the token tranny slut not giving 100 percent on her blowjobs. You also need to have a clear schedule, divided into hourly increments, and you need to run that shit like a fucking drill sergeant. Don’t believe me? Just try having a party without some rules. You’ll have a bacchanalian free-for-all on your hands, and nobody wants that.
I am a party commando. I know the whys, hows and whozits of every genus of shindig, soirée and throwdown. You are a pathetic novice, so I’ll start you off easy. Here’s an idiot-proof recipe for party perfection. This is my formula for a Drug Pig, Shitty Coke, F-List House Party. I also have guides for an Unforgettable Babes – None Lower Than an 8 – Cookout and All of Your Best Friends on the Beach in Aruba in Late Spring, but there’s no way you’re ready for those yet.
First, you’ll need an occasion. Don’t be afraid – it can be anything. For the group of partygoers we’ll be looking at today, the occasion was “Tuesday night”. Location is equally important. For the sort of party taught here, the ideal apartment will have at least two asshole roommates who will come out from their bedrooms to harsh you out every ten minutes. They have “exams tomorrow” and don’t like when drunk girls puke in their rooms. You will also need a miniscule living room (badly ventilated) and a kitchen with a working electric stove (more on that later).
Now to the guest list. Parties, just like life, thrive on variety. Write that down. I want you to think of your guests as little chess guys that you have to manoeuvre into what I call a “result encounter”, which is a drink, any drug, a sex act, a fight, or barfing. Additionally, you’ll need to think of your guests algebraically. Can Guest A suck Guest B’s penis? And can Guest B, in turn, disgust Guest C so badly that she vomits? Can Guest D snort coke off Guest B’s balls? The answers to these questions should all be a resounding YES.
Here are some of the types you’ll need to invite.
TRANSSEXUAL: Pre-op is good, but post–breast implants, pre–gender reassignment is PERFECTION. All transsexuals are slutty, so don’t worry about that. This guest is a very high priority and should be catered to accordingly. Put her first in the queue for cocaine and drinks. Tell her how pretty she is. Touch her a lot.
GUY WHO WILL FUCK TRANSSEXUAL: He is your #2 guy, your party wingman. If the tranny doesn’t feel loved, she will leave. Then you’re fucked. If you don’t have a tranny chaser in your six-degrees network, I have one word for you: craigslist.com. We posted there for this party (“Guy wanted to fuck tranny in ass”) and had 20 respondents within an hour. I picked this particular man because he has the biggest ring through his cockhead that I have ever seen.
WANTON DRUNK SLUT: This is a surprisingly tough one to find. Once you get a reliable drunk slut in your life, someone who will shed her clothes and let a room full of people write on her with indelible markers at the drop of a hat, hold onto her like a dinghy in the perfect storm. She is a true party staple and will prove again and again the fact that nudity at a party is as contagious as the bird flu. Just as the night begins, give her (and only her) a handful of shrooms.
WACKY LONELY GUY: He sucked in seventh grade when he listened to They Might Be Giants and wore bright yellow sweatpants, but now he is grown-up and gagging for attention. This means that he will commit any repulsive act if you pat him on the head and tell him people like him.
CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC: The lynchpin. Without someone to pound “mixed” drinks that are 95 percent gin, talk ear-searing personal shit about everyone, rip off their shirt (in a nonsexual manner), and spray barf everywhere, your gathering is not legally allowed to be defined as a “party”. She also serves as a human party clock.
THE CONCIERGE: This should be your best friend, but you must hold the power in the relationship. He will be required to function as butler, mediator, clean-up crew and go-to guy for the duration of your event.
…And that, my sober friends, is the A-Team. Fill out the rest of the party with people whom you have seen so wasted they were unable to walk at least five times. And nobody too attractive – stick between 4s and 6s. They are usually fun enough to do whatever after a few drinks.
HOUR ONE
The event needs to start a bit quietly. A whimper, not a bang. Gather everyone in the main reception area (your living room). Pour the first drinks for your guests, as people tend to be shy with the booze when getting started. A good guideline for a plastic-cup drink is four fingers of booze combined with enough mixers to mask the taste. After the initial drink, guests may be invited to serve themselves. They will already be little liquor-pigs by that point, and can be relied on to mix strong.
Don’t be afraid to deploy your concierge to help loosen things up, either. Make him rub some feet, light cigarettes and make introductions.
All the early Vice stuff was so fucking good.
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I see so many things that offend me in this post, but the first two party tips irk me the most. Transexuals are not...
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