Editor of
Features Editor at Death & Taxes Magazine, contributor to The Week, Interview, and Vice Magazine.
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Elmo was knee deep in cocaine and pussy when I arrived at his villa outside of Tijuana around 1am. Two busty señoritas ushered me in; he’d been expecting me, they said. He has a lot of eyes and ears in this town, they said.
One of them knocked on the door. A young girl came out in what I suppose one day had been a very nice dress but had since been reduced to tatters. She clutched a hundred dollar bill in her palm and scurried away down the stairs.Elmo was hunched over a table with a straw up his nose doing lines the size of caterpillars. He looked up, cocked his head, and put his hand on the gun on the table.
“I don’t want any funny business”, he said.
“Elmo, it’s only me”
“Still”, he snarled “This is my fucking town, you understand me?”
He sat back and thumbed his nose. Cocaine mixed with snot, and he licked his thumb. It was disgusting, but par for the course. Elmo had ‘fuck you’ money, and a carefully crafted public image. The voice was still the same off camera as it was on the show, but Elmo carried himself much differently. In truth he was a dark, dark muppet - hell bent on destruction, cocaine, and getting as much pussy as he could wrangle.“Do you want a line?”, he said, and pointed at the cocaine on the table with his gun.
“I’m good, Elmo. Thanks.”
“Suit yourself, faggot”, he said before taking a monster snort.“JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS”, he said, rearing his head back as if in heavy orgasm. “That’s fucking good shit. Pure. You can’t feel your face”. He pointed to his face with the gun.
“Don’t wave that shit about”, I said.
“My house, my rules, fuck-o”, said Elmo. “What do you want with me anyway? Do you want money? Is that it? Here”. He threw a wad of cash on the table.
“No, Elmo. I don’t want cash.”
Elmo coughed. He took a finger and licked it before sticking it into a pile of coca.
“Do you want pussy?” he said. “Inez!”A woman who I gathered was Inez appeared by his side.
“Inez”, said Elmo. He seemed at a loss for words. “Uh, pee on that potted plant, I guess”
Inez sighed and dropped trou before peeing on the potted fern.
“Goddamit, Elmo. Stop all this nonsense. I just came here to talk.”
He snapped his fingers. Inez stopped urinating and pulled up her pants, muttering something under her breath in Spanish. Elmo gave her a handful of money. He didn’t count it. He didn’t need to.“I want to put the gang back together”, I said.
“Who’s in?”, he said, looking intrigued.
“Well,” I continued “Nobody yet, but - - “
“Don’t WASTE MY FUCKING TIME” he yelled.
“It’s Kermit”, I said.
“What about him?”
“Piggy left him. He’s just fucking gone, man”
“That fucking sow got her pork rinds together and left, huh”
“Yeah”Elmo waved his hand. Suddenly we had the room to ourselves.
“Sure you don’t want any of this?”, he said.
“Yeah, I’m sure”
“Fine”
“I need you to do this for me, Elmo”, I said “For the gang. For old times.”
Elmo scratched his head.
“Fuck old times”, he said.
“Elmo - “
“I got a life now, man. I’m Elmo. I’m a brand. Big red.”
“Kermit’s suicidal. I don’t think you understand”
Elmo looked up.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah”Elmo walked to the dresser and poured a brandy.
“Want some?”
I nodded. He poured generously.
“Look,” he said “I’ll see what I can do. You talked to Oscar yet? Is he in?”
I nodded.
“Good, good”, he said. He snapped his fingers and within seconds people entered the room again.
“So are you in?” I said.
Elmo lit a cigarette.
“Yeah. Yeah. I’ll do it for Kermit.”
“I knew I could count on y - “
“Don’t start with that faggot shit, Hepburn”, he said dismissively.
“Ok, Elmo”, I said. “Thanks, man.”
“Don’t mention it”, he said, and offered a brief smile. “I can get you on a small plane out of here. Under the radar. There’s blow onboard but it’s hid good,” he said, ashing his cigarette off the balcony into the Tijuana air. “You’ll be in San Diego in no time. There’s a taxi waiting for you downstairs. I can even get you a taxi back in San Diego to wherever your going. I’ll call in a favor for you. I know people.”
“Thanks, man”
“Hey, it’s good to see you”, he said.
“You too, Elmo”, I said.
“Sure. Now if you’ll excuse me…”Elmo sat back down on the couch in the center of the room and waved over a woman. We caught eyes as I looked back. He waved, smiled. It was good to see the real Elmo again, if only for a second. I closed the door behind me and started walking down the stairs.
Above me, just faintly, I could hear him laugh.
“That tickles!”, he said.
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