"If the bullet was made of pizza."

“If the bullet was made of pizza.”

I said “I love you” tonight to a woman I’ve known for a number of years. Not that that matters, but I said it, and it came out the same way that I might perhaps ask someone for a Diet Coke.

It had been a long time coming. To be fair, though, I suppose, when you put yourself out there like that – publicly like this, or in private as was the moment – you ask a lot of your audience to bear with you. And it had been on my mind. Not that I’d stop a bullet for her, or anyone, really, because bullets hurt and I’m a sycophant who says such hyperbolic statements as “I am totes into stopping a bullet for someone” without comprehending that that might actually result in taking a bullet into your body. Anyway.

But I believe every once in a while, if you’ve known someone for long enough, it’s the decent thing to do. Just throw it in there. If you love someone, say it. Like when you go to another country (Ecuador, France, just to name a couple that I’ve been lucky enough to go to this year) and they kiss each other on the cheek. It’s not that big a deal. It’s honestly the verbal equivalent of buying someone a drink. It’s essentially $5. You will make it back. Life goes on. Keep throwing $5 out there will make you bankrupt, though, so if you’re following on with the metaphor, it’s best not to keep saying it like some sort of Muppet.

Maybe it’s asking too much. To make a sweeping generalization, people are afraid to love – to actually say the word – because it puts you out on such a limb, and people think that it’s a commodity you can run out of. You offer that finite part of yourself to someone. In loving them unconditionally, you essentially make a commitment not to be an asshole to that person. You sign a lease, basically, like its some sort of contract.

I guess – really, the message is – just say shit. Soooooooooo many people go through life not saying shit and get really bummed out that they didn’t say shit when they could’ve said some glorious shit to someone they gave a shit about.

I guess in some convoluted way I’m writing this to comprehend the three words that spewed out of my mouth, but they were true, they were honest, and I’m not going to be the Romeo to her Juliet, but I’ll gladly put my money where my mouth is and say “Holy shit, you’re awesome, and I’m willing put a perfunctory TA-DA!!! onto the magic trick that is your existence”. Ta da, indeed.

America is an oddly puritanical country, and doesn’t do well with emotions, mostly because deep down we all think that if someone is open with us it means they want to touch our genitals. Look, as I sit here it’s 3am. I’m 100% sober. Just an asshole with an internet connection like the human existence is just another Yelp review. Go about your day, and perhaps tell someone you love them once in a while. Fuck. It’s not difficult. If you think you should say it, step up and do it. Even if you’re wrong in the long run, you’ll feel a lot better.

You know, come to think about it, I would stop a bullet for her. I’ll say that.

If the bullet was made of pizza.