Ned Hepburn

High-res HOW TO CRASH ON COUCHES. Be sure to ask bluntly. “Hey, can I crash on your couch”NOT“Would it be possible to ooh please sir may I thank you implacably” Even if they don’t agree, make them. Sweeten the deal. Travel with drugs. Everybody likes people without a set address with drugs. It’s what the revolution was based upon. Let’s explore this a little:* Coke - If you’re traveling with coke, it’s rude to not ask the host if they would like some. Assume everyone wants coke. Give them only a little. That’s the magic of cocaine: you only need, like, a tiny amount, and then you’re TOTALLY GOOD for the rest of the evening. So after they’ve had a bump, put it back in your pocket. You are now in control.* Ecstacy - Be the only person on extacy. Everyone loves the one guy at the party who is on ecstasy. It’s so much fun for everyone else to watch you talk about your parents and drink 11 glasses of water! It’s a group activity. Everyone can watch. * Marijuana - Be sure to smoke marijuana in a closed room the first chance you get. This is called “Licking The Stamp”. You’re basically claiming the room as your own. Like a dog would. If dogs smoked pot and didn’t have a fix address and drove with all their belongings in the back of their car. * Heroin - Like Facebook has proven, people want to know what their friends are up to these days. What better way to show them what you’re into than casually doing a bunch of heroin mid story? (FACT: Heroin comes in bunches and is a measuring standard when talking about heroin) You will be led to the couch. Be sure to thwack it a few times with your palm as you would a moll in a 1940’s melodrama.  Sleep naked.  Always invite a friend to crash on the couch with you. You are the modern hobo. The world is a veritable pie on a metaphorical windowsill. To the victors, the spoils.  Again, couch crashing is all about domination. You want to show the owners of the couch who’s boss. It is not them. It is you.  From the hours of 1am to 5am be sure to only be lit by the light of your computer as you casually peruse graphic internet pornography.  Steal one thing. It doesn’t have to be noticeable. You’ll want to remind them of your stay several days later when they notice all but two of the - say - shower curtain rings are missing. That sort of thing.  Leave a present. This could be a dead animal you’ve caught, or a urine soaked Paula Abdul cassette tape.  Thank your host profusely. Be sure to do this non verbally, and entirely through a series of well times eyebrow movements. Bitches love eyebrow movements. 

HOW TO CRASH ON COUCHES.

  • Be sure to ask bluntly. 
    “Hey, can I crash on your couch”
    NOT
    “Would it be possible to ooh please sir may I thank you implacably”
  • Even if they don’t agree, make them. Sweeten the deal. Travel with drugs. Everybody likes people without a set address with drugs. It’s what the revolution was based upon. Let’s explore this a little:
    * Coke - If you’re traveling with coke, it’s rude to not ask the host if they would like some. Assume everyone wants coke. Give them only a little. That’s the magic of cocaine: you only need, like, a tiny amount, and then you’re TOTALLY GOOD for the rest of the evening. So after they’ve had a bump, put it back in your pocket. You are now in control.
    * Ecstacy - Be the only person on extacy. Everyone loves the one guy at the party who is on ecstasy. It’s so much fun for everyone else to watch you talk about your parents and drink 11 glasses of water! It’s a group activity. Everyone can watch. 
    * Marijuana - Be sure to smoke marijuana in a closed room the first chance you get. This is called “Licking The Stamp”. You’re basically claiming the room as your own. Like a dog would. If dogs smoked pot and didn’t have a fix address and drove with all their belongings in the back of their car.
    * Heroin - Like Facebook has proven, people want to know what their friends are up to these days. What better way to show them what you’re into than casually doing a bunch of heroin mid story? (FACT: Heroin comes in bunches and is a measuring standard when talking about heroin)
  • You will be led to the couch. Be sure to thwack it a few times with your palm as you would a moll in a 1940’s melodrama. 
  • Sleep naked. 
  • Always invite a friend to crash on the couch with you. You are the modern hobo. The world is a veritable pie on a metaphorical windowsill. To the victors, the spoils.  Again, couch crashing is all about domination. You want to show the owners of the couch who’s boss. It is not them. It is you. 
  • From the hours of 1am to 5am be sure to only be lit by the light of your computer as you casually peruse graphic internet pornography. 
  • Steal one thing. It doesn’t have to be noticeable. You’ll want to remind them of your stay several days later when they notice all but two of the - say - shower curtain rings are missing. That sort of thing. 
  • Leave a present. This could be a dead animal you’ve caught, or a urine soaked Paula Abdul cassette tape. 
  • Thank your host profusely. Be sure to do this non verbally, and entirely through a series of well times eyebrow movements. Bitches love eyebrow movements. 

Notes

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  15. spray-can said: The only thing I learned: bitches love eyebrow movements.