Ned Hepburn

High-res Look at this man. Do you love him? I do. I really do. I commend these people. I laud them. And I do, in all honesty, I hope they continue to fight their version of the good fight, whatever that is. It’s hard enough to find something that you believe in. It’s very easy to be jaded and to believe that nothing you can do really matters. After all, how easy is it to look at a country of 307 million people and say “You are one of I”? It’s a gigantic country, and easy to feel threatened by way of feeling forgotten. Sure, Fox News “is bullshit”. Sure, it’s “spreading lies”. Sure, anyone can see right through it - but it takes a special kind of person to look at that and go “whatever you say, fuck you”. That is - in essence - what the country was founded on, the spirit of the “fuck you”. You can tell me until you’re blue (or red!) in the face that this country was founded on the principles of freedom, liberty, and justice for all - but you would be wrong. It’s the ability to say “fuck you” at any time, to any one. Maybe the freedom and liberty part were valid in the past: but we’ve changed. It’s almost like America called up the rest of the world the day before it’s birthday and said “It’s not you, babe, it’s me”  and started drinking again. And now, as we go back to metaphorical work on the metaphorical Monday morning of the world (metaphorical) stage, there remains a hangover of sorts: the hangover that so desperately just wants to tell the rest of the guys in the office (read: world) where to shove it. Sure, I hear you say, turquoise jewelry on a man. Multiple, even. Some might say an overload. Some of the more sartorially inclined might go so far to say for a man that, if questioned, would tell you that he didn’t put any effort into what he was wearing that day, he does actually look like someone who put a lot of effort into what he was wearing that day. I mean… really. David Foster Wallace meets Ted Nugent meets accessorizing*. Trés chic! Look at those jeans, so perfectly ripped! And while it’s easy for Glenn Beck and his followers to scare those who don’t think of the word progress as a swear word, like spiders and wasps (pun!), they are more scared of us than we are of them, and can easily be flattened after being hit with a newspaper. See what I did there? A analogy inside of an analogy. That’s advanced writing. I am the Tony Hawk of words**. But I digress. The point is: don’t be scared. As anyone who has watched a Robert Downey Jr movie from the 1980’s will tell you it’s always going to be those with the cocky confidence that ultimately wins the hearts and minds of Molly Ringwald America***. Do not lose your cool with the Tea Partiers****, for they are you, and you are they, and somewhere in the middle is the rest of the country. Which is sort of why the two party system doesn’t work: because there’s a whole lot of middle ground that nobody (except the smart people! Like you! And me!) seems to take a lot of notice of. The more you look at them like a brother or sister that you just don’t understand but love anyway, the happier this transition out of America’s midlife crisis will be. Perhaps the brother’s name is Chet and he is standing in your doorway calling you a “faggot” before punching you in the arm and making you drop your “faggy” science homework*****, but the fact is that he’s still your brother. And you’re just going to have to love him the way he is. He will come around. Or die alone******. But at least you tried. Perhaps you don’t agree with what he believes in. Most sane people don’t. But you’ll look the better person for trying to accept him. And it wouldn’t hurt you to put down the glass of Pinot Blanc and pick up a Coors once in a while, and maybe turn off the Vampire Weekend and put on some Bob Seger loudly and pee in the sink instead of the toilet. Let loose. God knows they have. It’s a brand new day and America is hungover, lost his wallet with all his money in, and is currently sparring for a fight, so cut him some slack. He is, after all, family. And you can’t pick your family. _____ * Six visible rings and six fucking bracelets. Six. My guess is that dude moonlights weekends as a tarot card reader. ** Be sure to buy my detective novel, “Fakie Noseblunt & The Case Of The Missing Hackey-Sack”, coming this Fall. *** Unless you’re talking about the 1987 movie ‘Less Than Zero’ in which case the analogy doesn’t work because RDJ basically just does blow for like, two straight hours and does not get the girl in the end †.  **** I mean, really, Tea Party? That’s the name? Couldn’t it be Operation Wolf Fuck or some ska-revival band name sounding thing like The Workboots? They went with Tea Party? So they mean to equate their politico-socialogical movement with a child talking to imaginary… oh… ***** I’m just hypothesizing that the guy use ‘fag-’ as a prefix to many things that he does not understand. Should you take offense, then back up slowly and turn around. ****** In an avalanche of turquoise accessories! † This is possibly a good metaphor for the housing market in 2007.

Look at this man. Do you love him? I do. I really do. I commend these people. I laud them. And I do, in all honesty, I hope they continue to fight their version of the good fight, whatever that is.

It’s hard enough to find something that you believe in. It’s very easy to be jaded and to believe that nothing you can do really matters. After all, how easy is it to look at a country of 307 million people and say “You are one of I”? It’s a gigantic country, and easy to feel threatened by way of feeling forgotten.

Sure, Fox News “is bullshit”. Sure, it’s “spreading lies”. Sure, anyone can see right through it - but it takes a special kind of person to look at that and go “whatever you say, fuck you”. That is - in essence - what the country was founded on, the spirit of the “fuck you”. You can tell me until you’re blue (or red!) in the face that this country was founded on the principles of freedom, liberty, and justice for all - but you would be wrong. It’s the ability to say “fuck you” at any time, to any one. Maybe the freedom and liberty part were valid in the past: but we’ve changed. It’s almost like America called up the rest of the world the day before it’s birthday and said “It’s not you, babe, it’s me”  and started drinking again. And now, as we go back to metaphorical work on the metaphorical Monday morning of the world (metaphorical) stage, there remains a hangover of sorts: the hangover that so desperately just wants to tell the rest of the guys in the office (read: world) where to shove it.

Sure, I hear you say, turquoise jewelry on a man. Multiple, even. Some might say an overload. Some of the more sartorially inclined might go so far to say for a man that, if questioned, would tell you that he didn’t put any effort into what he was wearing that day, he does actually look like someone who put a lot of effort into what he was wearing that day. I mean… really. David Foster Wallace meets Ted Nugent meets accessorizing*. Trés chic! Look at those jeans, so perfectly ripped!

And while it’s easy for Glenn Beck and his followers to scare those who don’t think of the word progress as a swear word, like spiders and wasps (pun!), they are more scared of us than we are of them, and can easily be flattened after being hit with a newspaper. See what I did there? A analogy inside of an analogy. That’s advanced writing. I am the Tony Hawk of words**. But I digress.

The point is: don’t be scared. As anyone who has watched a Robert Downey Jr movie from the 1980’s will tell you it’s always going to be those with the cocky confidence that ultimately wins the hearts and minds of Molly Ringwald America***. Do not lose your cool with the Tea Partiers****, for they are you, and you are they, and somewhere in the middle is the rest of the country. Which is sort of why the two party system doesn’t work: because there’s a whole lot of middle ground that nobody (except the smart people! Like you! And me!) seems to take a lot of notice of.

The more you look at them like a brother or sister that you just don’t understand but love anyway, the happier this transition out of America’s midlife crisis will be. Perhaps the brother’s name is Chet and he is standing in your doorway calling you a “faggot” before punching you in the arm and making you drop your “faggy” science homework*****, but the fact is that he’s still your brother. And you’re just going to have to love him the way he is. He will come around. Or die alone******. But at least you tried.

Perhaps you don’t agree with what he believes in. Most sane people don’t. But you’ll look the better person for trying to accept him. And it wouldn’t hurt you to put down the glass of Pinot Blanc and pick up a Coors once in a while, and maybe turn off the Vampire Weekend and put on some Bob Seger loudly and pee in the sink instead of the toilet. Let loose. God knows they have. It’s a brand new day and America is hungover, lost his wallet with all his money in, and is currently sparring for a fight, so cut him some slack. He is, after all, family. And you can’t pick your family.
_____

* Six visible rings and six fucking bracelets. Six. My guess is that dude moonlights weekends as a tarot card reader.

** Be sure to buy my detective novel, “Fakie Noseblunt & The Case Of The Missing Hackey-Sack”, coming this Fall.

*** Unless you’re talking about the 1987 movie ‘Less Than Zero’ in which case the analogy doesn’t work because RDJ basically just does blow for like, two straight hours and does not get the girl in the end †. 

**** I mean, really, Tea Party? That’s the name? Couldn’t it be Operation Wolf Fuck or some ska-revival band name sounding thing like The Workboots? They went with Tea Party? So they mean to equate their politico-socialogical movement with a child talking to imaginary… oh…

***** I’m just hypothesizing that the guy use ‘fag-’ as a prefix to many things that he does not understand. Should you take offense, then back up slowly and turn around.

****** In an avalanche of turquoise accessories!

† This is possibly a good metaphor for the housing market in 2007.

Notes

  1. dastardlydeed reblogged this from nedhepburn
  2. sowideasea reblogged this from ilovepunctuation
  3. hearthstrider reblogged this from nedhepburn
  4. bastard-brother said: I love you.
  5. winstonwolfe said: Nice work. I feel bad for the hot-heads who look at this guy and say, “I’ll deal with you in the Financial District with my shotgun….”. Really? The fuckin’ Tea Party is a fad that will go out of style quicker than pegged jeans. Everyone just chill.