April 2009
The Pixies “Where Is My Mind?”
the...
stage 2 is anger. stage 5 is acceptance.
this is supposed to be either stage 2 or 4 in the Kübler-Ross model of the stages of grief. i’m not even fucking sure. its probably 2, because i want to swear and drink a lot (although ive been swearing and drinking for most of my life as it is, you get the point).
stage 2 is anger. i’m not even sure what i’m angry about. its like being angry at fat people for eating too much. i...
happy birthday, old bean.
its my birthday saturday. i think some friends are coming over and watching Raising Arizona. i think thats all i can handle. might go out to The Black Watch for a drink. i think lauren is coming over for it - i havent asked her yet; although it looks like she’ll be driving me back to LA on sunday.
and then i have to move alllll my stuff from one apartment to the other. i might even just...
Devendra Banhart “Hey Mama Wolf”
John Lennon “Love”
hipsterism 101: a brief history of the counter...
i’m glad this “hipster” thing is dying down. at least in its current incarnation, which is a total fucking joke. it used to mean counter-culture, and it has largely become anything but that this time around.
don’t worry. it will reappear anew in the first half of every decade as a reaction to the previous 5 years, as it has done since the 1950’s. hipsterdom in the...
Eric Idle “Always Look On The Bright Side Of...
about what it costs.
these are NOT our costs. not at all. this is just to give you the reader an idea of how much these things cost in America. i’m pretty new to this whole thing and was shocked at the numbers, so here goes.
it costs around:
$2000 to have your obituary, with a photograph, in the local newspaper for two days.
around $1,400 to be cremated.
you have an option of what to be cremated in. a...
i mean, i’m doing good.
for christs sake, i went to Hooters today. my friend took me there because we couldnt decide on pizza or more tacos, and i said Hooters, and we said fuck it why not. and we drank 40’s on the beach in Santa Cruz.
you learn to laugh and you learn to cope. sometimes youre strong, sometimes youre weak. its like any day of your life. its good to watch the hours...
Willie Nelson “Blue Skies”
its the little things, as always, that get to you.
theres been so many letters, phone calls, emails, everything, pouring, cascading, fawning into this household - like doves. the house is filled with flowers on nearly every surface.
but its the little things, like a candy bar today, that made me well up. you’d never expect the sight of a Bassets Sherbert Fountain to make you well up and...
1 tag
My speech for the memorial.
he was a lion of a man.
i will never forget the sound of his voice. it sounded like whiskey and chocolate - with every word of wisdom sounding like the touch of an Oak tree. his booming laughter could fill a whole night sky when we walked the dog together; laughing and talking, making light in the dark.
making light in the dark.
for those of you familiar with the story of King Arthur i used to...
this is what its like, at around day 4.
weird. i can keep writing. i didnt think i’d be able to - especially Boner Party - and i just did.
tess, hope you dont mind. i’d saved that picture of you for a rainy day. my dad used to say “ive got a beer with your name on” all the time. i dunno. and i really want pizza. god, a big fucking pepperoni pizza with doughy crust. and fucking garlic sauce.
its so good to want...
The Flaming Lips “Do You Realize?”
2 tags
the best day of my life.
about six months ago i got very drunk. very, very drunk.
i was up visiting my parents in San Jose and i had gotten haggard on rum and beer in my friend jon’s garage the night before. i’d been sitting infront of the tv feeling very sorry for myself until my father said “why dont you ride the bike with me?”.
i agreed, for whatever reason. he was all ready to go in maybe two...
1 tag
im not sure what to do. keep writing, i guess. thats all i can do. that and act. the neighborhood kids (kids! between ages 15-17!) took me out for tacos, the first real meal i’ve had in over four days. and we talked. i told them things they should know in life, like how pot really isn’t that bad but you should not under any circumstances do it until you’re at least start paying...
1 tag
do you want to hear something funny?
well, funny to me.
the night i found out i must’ve had about 10 beers at that point. i remembered my dad loved Wall-E and i was drunk and you know when you cant stop crying your voice goes up and down up and down uncontrollably, just oscillates, and there isnt a way to stop it?
i remembered he liked Wall-E. picture this: a 24 year old guy on the front steps crying his eyes out but all he...
i wonder if i can go back to swearing.
fuck shit fuck cunt fart piss tits ass weiner poop motherfucker chink dago honky cracker nipple rat-bastard asshole taint fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
yup. its gonna be ok.
Paul McCartney “Dance Tonight”
good morning ‘puter! youre looking very dapper this morning.
Cat Stevens “Don’t Be Shy”
"an enlarged heart"
the funeral is on wednesday, at the local minor league baseball stadium.
a fucking stadium. the fucking lion of a man that he was… he deserves a stadium sized memorial. he loved those Giants.
do you know what the cause of death was? his heart was too big. he had what the coroner called an “enlarged heart”. it makes perfect, perfect sense.
it all makes sense, now. its all pure...
thanks for being here. im still in shock. i dont know what anyone is supposed to do in these situations. there is no passage in any book that can prepare you for this.
i want things to be normal, and to keep writing, and to keep going forward, and to have a semblance of normality come back into my life. and his. and to keep on keeping on, i guess. theres nothing you can do except be fluid; be...
i need time alone. thanks for everyones well wishes. but now is a time where i will be alone.
This is probably the worst I have ever felt.
