Ned Hepburn

worked on Bones today.

ran into some ppl from college. they were film and tv students. i was a theater student. i was the one serving the food, they were the ones eating it.

IRONY.

did i tell you the one where i went on an audition a couple days ago and my ex was the producer?

that was random. she better cast me.

presented in BULLETOVISION.

• woke up at 5:45. two(!) Carnation Instant Breakfast’s. shower. try to watch the rest of ‘Stripes’ but decide i should get in the car.
• the iPod is out of batterys and i’m forced to listen to sunday morning LA radio, which is apparently all talk shows, on every station, talking about the environment. i listen to merengue. suprisingly: i don’t mind merengue.
• get there at 6:50, try to figure out parking for half an hour.
• i’m the 2nd person there. the other dude there is in S.A.G and we talk about the benefits of being in S.A.G (which im not yet, much to his dismay).
• wait in conference room which starts slowly filling up with bro’s. seriously. this shoot had a brofestation.
• saw the guy from a porn i’d seen once, who is with a girl(?) who literally had breasts(?) the size of mother theresa’s concscience. you forget that the porn capital of the world is next door to hollywood.
• other characters include: the lemon party at table 2, which was all elderly gay men walking around in the nude colored briefs they’d given us (this was to play nudists at a convention).
• so the director comes into the room with all the bros and we all strip down to the nude colored boxer briefs they’d given us. all of us. even the lemon party. so the dude picks out 12 people out of this room of probably 100 bro’s. i was one of them. this means a 200% pay increase. i’m elated until i find out this means i am to go fully nude.
• THONG TH THONG THONG THONGGG jokes don’t work on anybody, i find.
• i buy a coffee at the Starbucks and get strange looks… totally find out my tshirt is caught in my thong in the back. i make a mental note to never have that sentence ever happen again, either in my head or in real life.
• Zooey was NOT ON SET i was DEVASTATED for at least TWO HOURS.
• we shoot the same scene over and over. i’m in the front row, full nude except for the thong. i have a hairy ass and theres pretty girls behind me. i get self concious and bummed out as i’m still reeling from not having Zooey on set. i look down and my crotch with the thong on it and it looks like i am smuggling a bearded pirate with a big nose.
• THERE ARE FOUR HOT GIRLS ON THE SET. FOUR. and one of them is a PA. however the other three are also nude. this is fun for like one minute, then all the nude scary bros cancel the hot girls out. this one dude had a fucking ‘xXx’ <—- shitty vin diesel movie tattoo across his back. it was so fucking heinous.
• break for lunch. i think about how glad i am i never got a tattoo.
• back from lunch. danny masterson is here too and is partially naked which makes people very happy as this is the first time anyones ever met a celebrity, blahblahblah, people bring out cameraphones from their thongs, apparently.
• kurt vonneguts daughter is here??? wtf??? allegedly, but wtf?
• the Danny Masterson scene shoots really quickly and we go.
• couple of Bro’s are angry that i got paid twice as much and try to get me to show me my pay thing so they can copy the handwriting. i say no. BUMMERBRO.
• i get back to my phone and find its been snapped, now the screen doesn’t work. between this and Zooey i am the saddest person on the entire planet until i realize that those three hot girls are also changing in the same room as me. but i cant talk to them. that would require “effort” and “tact” and these are two things that i discernably lack. so i just kinda get changed.
• talk to one of them in the elevator. she was kinda cool.
• i realize how nice it is to not have a phone for the first time in about 5 years.
• no Jim Carrey, no Zooey. sadness. but today was pretty rad.